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The Difference between CATS & DOGS (Internet Humour) PDF Print E-mail
Written by Brian Adam   
Monday, 03 December 2012 21:03

How to Give a CAT a Pill: (in 15 not-so-easy steps)
 

1. Pick it up & cradle the cat in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger & thumb on either side of cat's mouth, gently applying pressure to cheek. As cat opens mouth, pop pill in.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill, cradle cat in left arm, repeat step 1.  Count to ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.  Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls from cat.  Ask spouse to hold head firmly with one hand. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. (Make note to repair curtains)

7.  Get another pill, try again.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines & vases from hearth, set aside for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.   Put pill in drinking straw, blow into cat's mouth.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink a beer, to wash away taste.  Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm & remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, force mouth open.

11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer. Pour shot, drink.  Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss back another shot. Throw bloody t-shirt away, fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road.  Apologize to neighbour who crashed into the fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from bottle.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.  There.  That should do it. 

14. Consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room.  Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers/forearm and removes pill remnants from your right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Call the OSPCA to see if they have any HAMSTERS in need of a good home.  Offer to make a trade (no questions asked!)
 

How to Give a DOG a Pill:

1. WRAP IT IN BACON.  2. TOSS IT IN THE AIR!

 

 

Last Updated on Wednesday, 05 December 2012 16:19
 


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